Some problems can actually be solved with ice cream
There was nearly an escape of a large number on monkeys from a zoo in England yesterday, and thanks to the quick thinking of facility employees, disaster was averted. A group chimpanzees somehow made...
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New York state parks return to Marlboro Country
The best part about exploring New York state parks is getting away from all the hubbub and enjoying some fresh air. If you thought there is an advocacy group for just about anything, you’d be wrong....
View ArticleThe lines in the War on Animals on trial in N.Y.
A group is asking that a court to decide that a 26-year-old chimpanzee is a person, sort of in the way that corporations are people for some reason. The Nonhuman Rights Project, a group that can only...
View ArticleThe gingerbread village title remains American
Christmas is a time to give and to enjoy one’s friends and family. But it’s also a time to prove that one is better than someone else. A village of 135 gingerbread houses in Queens, New York took the...
View ArticleSnow plows are the worst
As someone who was the recent beneficiary of just under two feet of snow, I’ve become very acquainted with snow and the plows that move them. I’m not a fan. Frankly, next to dressing a cat and taking...
View ArticleStaten Island has a clown problem
If the fact that it’s still a mess after Hurricane Sandy, a pain in the ass to get to from the rest of the city, and usually left out of all the fun stuff wasn’t enough, living on Staten Island has...
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Grandma got offended by a stripper
The stripper cost $250 and wore white briefs, so it’s possible that her trauma comes from witnessing a budget lapdance. As the Baby Boomers age out of Nielsen demographics (it’s what they use to...
View ArticleThe McBournie Minute: The end of rail drinks
A decades-old American tradition came to an end last week, and if you’re of my generation, you may have never heard of its existence in the first place. The American last bar car on a commuter train...
View ArticleGet those body part bingo cards ready
Hey, Hempstead residents: did any of your cards have a right arm? And a left arm? You did?! And did you also have a head? If so, you are SO close to getting a bingo! Also, you might want to turn...
View Article‘You wanna see my plank?’
There’s a whole bunch of elections coming up for Congress this fall, but who cares? Let’s focus on the elections that matter. There was a time when Times Square was a seedy place, a place you didn’t...
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Cunning while intoxicated
Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made. When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your...
View ArticleThe McBournie Minute: How not to suck at beer, running
I run. There, I said it. I don’t marathons or anything, and I try not to brag about my accomplishments. Let’s face it, we’ve all seen one of those “26.2” stickers on a car and given serious thought to...
View ArticleLawsuit: Rick Springfield shouldn’t crowd surf
Ladies, stay away from Rick Springfield’s ass. It could be considered a dangerous weapon. A woman is suing the 1980s pop singer, saying his ass injured her during a concert in 2004. Why has it taken...
View Article‘Honey, I bulldozed the house’
Relationship experts say that no matter where you are in life, communication is the only way to stay together. A New York state man may not believe in that. James Rhein’s home had a crumbling...
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You Missed It: Bowing out edition
Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn’t held a job in years. It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced,...
View ArticleThe McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook
For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of...
View ArticleMan goes 2-for-2 in assaulting lawyers
Lawyers aren’t the most popular people around, but their jobs aren’t always worth the perks, either. Especially when you’re defending a guy who’s been charged with assaulting his previous lawyer. In...
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Priest arraigned for blunderbus
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!” Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen...
View ArticleBirds attack nuclear power plant in N.Y.
Folks, the War on Animals has been going on for a long time now, but it’s never been this serious. They’re going after our nuclear power plants. Indian Point is a nuclear plant a little north of New...
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Don’t call it a setback, he was never ahead
Jesus. At least pick up the knife if your Veggie Lover’s slice burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy. Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza...
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